Should Kids Compete or Have Fun in Sports?

Ever caught yourself watching a kids’ game and feeling your blood pressure spike over a called strike? Or maybe you’ve been the parent on the sideline who just can’t help but shout “Swing!” even though your kid’s got two strikes? We’ve all been there. It’s easy to get swept up in the moment, isn’t it? The scoreboard seems to matter so much. But if you stop and really listen to the chatter on the field, you’ll hear something else entirely. The kids aren’t talking about the score. They’re laughing about the mud on their pants or planning what snack they’re gonna get after the game.

So, what’s the real score here? Are we building a generation of athletes, or are we just running them into the ground before they even hit high school?

The Great Disconnect: What Kids Want vs. What We Think They Want

Here’s the uncomfortable truth, served up straight: we are often the problem. No, seriously. We show up with our adult-sized agendas, our silent (or not-so-silent) hopes for a trophy, and our deeply ingrained belief that winning is the ultimate goal. Meanwhile, the kids are operating on a completely different wavelength.

The research is pretty darn clear on this. One study pointed out a massive gap between why kids say they play and what we think their motivation is. Kids? They’re overwhelmingly in it for one simple thing: to have a good time. That’s it. That’s the secret sauce. But when you ask parents what they believe motivates their young athletes, a huge number will say “to win.” Let that sink in for a minute. We’re projecting our own competitive drive onto them, and in doing so, we’re completely missing the point of why they’re out there in the first place.

This isn’t just a harmless misunderstanding. This disconnect is where the trouble starts. When a child’s main goal (fun) is constantly being overshadowed by an adult’s main goal (winning), it creates a pressure cooker. The kid starts feeling anxious. They start worrying about making mistakes because mistakes lead to losses, and losses make the adults grumpy. Before you know it, the game they loved isn’t so loveable anymore. It becomes a job. And who wants to work a stressful job for free when they’re twelve? This is a huge part of why the dropout rate is so staggering—we’re talking 70% of kids walking away from organized sports by age 13. They’re not quitting sports; they’re quitting the joyless, high-pressure environment we’ve built around them.

So, What Does “Fun” Actually Mean, Anyway?

We throw that word around a lot. “Just go out there and have fun!” But “fun” isn’t some vague, fluffy concept. It’s not just giggles and goofing off. Researchers have actually broken it down, identifying over 80 different things that contribute to a kid having fun on the field. And the top three might surprise you.

It’s not winning. It’s not getting a trophy. The big three are: being a good sport, having a positive coach, and trying hard.

Think about that for a second. The stuff that kids value most is about the process and the environment, not the outcome. They want to be part of a team where everyone is treated with respect. They want a leader who encourages them, who high-fives them for a good effort even if it resulted in an out. They want to feel the satisfaction of giving something their all. This trio of ideas has been called the ”Youth Sport Ethos,” and it’s the absolute bedrock of keeping kids engaged.

This tells us that fun is complex. It’s the feeling of being part of a group. It’s the pride of learning a new skill and finally nailing it. It’s the coach who knows your name and believes in you. When we reduce “fun” to just messing around, we do a disservice to how sophisticated our kids really are. They crave a challenging, supportive, and fair experience. That’s what true fun is made of.

The Coach’s Dilemma: Building a Culture, Not Just a Record

This is where the rubber meets the road. As a coach, you hold an insane amount of power. You set the temperature for the entire team. You can be the reason a kid falls in love with a sport forever, or you can be the reason they never want to play again. No pressure, right?

The old-school method of coaching—yelling, running punitive drills for mistakes, and only playing the “good” kids—is a relic that needs to be retired. It might produce a few more wins in a rec league season, but it’s a short-sighted strategy that ultimately produces losses everywhere else. It teaches kids that their value is tied directly to their performance, and that conditional acceptance is a fact of life.

The alternative? It requires more thought, for sure. It means designing practices that are built around deliberate play. Mix in drills that focus on fundamental skills with small-sided games that keep everyone moving and involved. The goal of practice shouldn’t be to exhaust them; it should be to send them home buzzing with energy, excited to come back next time.

And let’s talk about game time. The most divisive issue in youth sports. The win-at-all-costs coach plays the best players for the entire game, especially when the score is close. The development-focused coach has a different playbook. Yeah, winning is a nice feeling, but it’s not the target. The target is the long-term development of every single kid on that roster. That means making sure everyone gets meaningful minutes, and I don’t just mean the bottom of the sixth inning when you’re up by ten runs.

It means putting a player in a tough spot because they need to learn from it. It means talking to your team after a loss about the fantastic defensive play they made in the fourth inning, not the errors that lost the game. Your job isn’t to craft a perfect season; it’s to craft a dozen kids who still want to pick up a ball next year.

What You Can Do Tomorrow (Yes, You)

This isn’t just a problem for the coaches and league organizers. Parents, you are a massive part of the ecosystem. Your voice is the one your child hears the clearest. The car ride home is more important than the game itself.

First, check your own sideline behavior. Are you that parent? The one shouting incessant instructions? Newsflash: your kid isn’t listening. The coach is trying to coach, and you’re creating a chaotic mix of signals. Your job is to be the quiet, supportive presence. Cheer for good effort from both teams. Applaud a great play, no matter who made it. You are modeling what it means to be a good sport, and your kids are watching.

Now, for the car ride. Please, for the love of all that is holy, never, ever lead with “So, why did you strike out?” or “Did you win?“. Instead, try this. Ask: “What was the most fun part of your game today?” or “Tell me about something you did that you’re proud of.” You are shifting the conversation from results to experience. You are telling them, without saying it directly, that their enjoyment and their effort are what you truly value. This single change can transform a child’s entire relationship with their sport.

Finally, advocate for the right things. If your league only awards trophies to the championship team, suggest that they also recognize kids for things like Most Improved, or Best Teammate. If you see a coach who is exclusively playing the starters, have a respectful conversation with the league board. Support coaches who are trying to build a positive culture, even if their win-loss record isn’t sparkling. Be the voice for the kids who just want to play.

Striking the right balance between competition and fun isn’t about lowering standards. It’s about raising our expectations for what youth sports can and should be. It’s about building something that lasts longer than a season—it lasts a lifetime. The goal isn’t to create a few elite athletes; it’s to create a bunch of adults who are healthy, resilient, and maybe still get together for a rec league game every now and then because they never lost that love for the game. And that, right there, is a win worth fighting for.